Dear middle-aged women friends,
As working women approaching retirement, it is essential to focus on self-care skills that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being. I work with many amazing clients who are going through stress and anxiety in association with physical changes, worries about finances, and changing social relationships. In this blog, I would like to propose seven steps that women dealing with these issues could follow to mitigate the impact of this life transition.
​
Here are some key self-care practices for middle-aged women:

• Regular Exercise: Engage in activities such as walking, swimming, or yoga to improve cardiovascular health, maintain flexibility, and reduce stress.
• Healthy Eating: Adopt a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins to support overall health and prevent chronic diseases.
• Mental Health: Practice mindfulness, meditation, or other relaxation techniques to manage stress and maintain a positive outlook.
• Social Connections: Stay connected with friends and family to build a strong support network and combat feelings of isolation.
• Financial Planning: Consult with a financial advisor to ensure a secure financial future and reduce anxiety about retirement.
• Hobbies and Interests: Pursue new or existing hobbies to stay mentally active and find joy in everyday activities.
• Regular Health Check-ups: Schedule routine medical appointments to monitor and address any health concerns early on.

By incorporating these easy self-care skills into your daily routine, you can enhance your quality of life and prepare for a fulfilling retirement. Remember, this stage of life is not just about slowing down—it’s about embracing new opportunities, deepening your sense of purpose, and prioritizing your well-being.

The transition into retirement can be filled with excitement, new adventures, and personal growth. Give yourself permission to explore, redefine your goals, and cultivate a lifestyle that nurtures your body and mind. You’ve worked hard—now is the time to invest in yourself and enjoy the journey ahead.
​
What steps are you taking today to care for yourself and prepare for this next chapter? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

Developing emotional independence is a gradual process that requires self-reflection, practice, and a commitment to personal growth. Here are some strategies to help you cultivate and enhance emotional independence:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional independence. To develop self-awareness:

• Reflect on your emotions: Take time to identify and understand your emotions. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this.
• Recognize triggers: Identify the situations, people, or thoughts that trigger intense emotions.
• Understand your reactions: Analyze how you respond to different emotions and why you respond the way you do.
  
  

2. Practice Self-Regulation
Self-regulation involves managing your emotional responses in a healthy and constructive manner. To practice self-regulation:

• Develop coping strategies: Find healthy ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as deep breathing, meditation, or physical activity.
• Stay calm: Practice techniques to stay calm and composed in challenging situations, such as mindfulness or grounding exercises.
• Set boundaries: Establish and maintain boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
  
  

3. Foster Autonomy
Autonomy is about making independent decisions and standing by them. To foster autonomy:

• Trust yourself: Build confidence in your ability to make decisions that align with your values and beliefs.
• Seek feedback selectively: While feedback from others can be valuable, avoid becoming overly reliant on external validation.
• Make decisions independently: Practice making decisions on your own, even if they are small ones, to build your decision-making skills and self-trust.
  
  

4. Build Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and maintain emotional stability. To build resilience:

• Embrace challenges: View challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to your well-being.
• Learn from experiences: Reflect on past experiences, both positive and negative, and learn from them.
• Maintain a positive outlook: Cultivate an optimistic mindset and focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
  
  

5. Seek Professional Support
While emotional independence emphasizes self-reliance, seeking professional support can be a valuable step in the development process. Therapists and counselors can provide guidance, tools, and strategies to help you on your journey.

• Therapy: Engage in individual or group therapy to explore your emotions and develop coping mechanisms.
• Coaching: Consider working with a life coach who can help you set and achieve personal goals.

The Benefits of Emotional Independence
Achieving emotional independence offers numerous benefits, including:

• Improved self-esteem: Building confidence in your ability to manage emotions and make decisions enhances self-worth.
• Healthier relationships: Emotional independence allows for more balanced and supportive relationships, free from co-dependency.
• Increased resilience: The ability to bounce back from challenges fosters a sense of inner strength and stability.
• Personal growth: Emotional independence encourages continuous self-improvement and the pursuit of personal goals.
• Enhanced well-being: Maintaining emotional stability contributes to overall mental and emotional health.

​Emotional independence is a vital aspect of personal development that empowers individuals to navigate life's challenges with confidence and resilience. By cultivating self-awareness, practicing self-regulation, fostering autonomy, building resilience, and seeking professional support when needed, you can develop and improve your emotional independence. As a result, you will experience greater self-esteem, healthier relationships, and an enriched sense of well-being. Embrace the journey toward emotional independence and discover the strength and freedom that come with it.

Diverse approaches to mental health and well-being are increasingly sought after, and integrative psychotherapy stands out as a holistic method that merges the profound insights of Eastern philosophy with the empirical rigor of Western psychology. This unique blend not only honors the rich traditions in our world but also promotes a comprehensive view of human potential and resilience.

Integrative psychotherapy operates under the notion that the mind, body, and spirit are interconnected. This therapeutic approach aims to harmonize these aspects by combining Eastern wisdom about the Self with Western knowledge of the unconscious. The ultimate goal is to facilitate a vision of humanity that acknowledges its potential and inherent capacity for transformation.

Central to the process of integrative psychotherapy is the establishment of a warm and supportive environment. This safe space allows clients to explore their inner landscapes without fear of judgment. The therapist's role is to provide guidance, support, and insight, helping clients navigate the complexities of their experiences and emotions.

Eastern Wisdom: The Self and Beyond
Eastern philosophies, particularly those rooted in Buddhist psychology, offer invaluable perspectives on the nature of the Self and the mind. These traditions emphasize mindfulness, presence, and the interconnectedness of all beings. In the context of integrative psychotherapy, these principles are employed to help clients connect with their innermost truths and achieve greater self-awareness.

Mindfulness, a cornerstone of Buddhist practice, involves paying attention to the present moment with curiosity and openness. In integrative psychotherapy, mindfulness techniques are used to help clients become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. This heightened awareness can lead to a deeper understanding of one's patterns of behavior and emotional responses.

Eastern philosophy teaches that the Self is not a static entity but a dynamic process. Integrative psychotherapy encourages clients to explore this process by delving into their inner worlds. Through various methods and techniques, clients are guided to uncover their true selves, which in turn supports them in making authentic decisions that align with their values and aspirations.

Western Knowledge: The Unconscious Mind
Western psychology, particularly the work of pioneers like Freud and Jung, has extensively explored the unconscious mind. Integrative psychotherapy draws on these insights to help clients understand the hidden forces that shape their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
The unconscious mind is a repository of repressed memories, desires, and experiences. It influences our behavior in ways that we may not be consciously aware of. Integrative psychotherapy employs techniques such as dream analysis, free association, and active imagination to bring unconscious material to the surface. By making the unconscious conscious, clients can gain insight into the root causes of their issues and work towards resolving them.

One of the key objectives in integrative psychotherapy is to identify unhelpful patterns and deidentify with them. These patterns may arise from trauma, unmet needs, or unresolved triangulations. Through compassionate exploration and radical acceptance, clients learn to recognize these patterns and detach from them. This process paves the way for healing and growth.

Self-doubt is essentially a lack of confidence or belief in oneself and one's abilities. It often manifests as questioning one's decisions, skills, or self worth, and can lead to hesitation, anxiety, and reluctance to take action. Self-doubt can stem from various sources and develop in different ways for different people. Here are some common factors that contribute to the development of self-doubt:

Past experiences: Negative experiences or failures in the past can lead to self-doubt. For example, if someone has faced criticism or rejection repeatedly, they may start to doubt their abilities or worth.

Comparison with others: Comparing oneself to others, especially in areas where they feel inadequate, can fuel self-doubt. Seeing others succeed or excel can make individuals question their own capabilities.

High standards: Setting unrealistic or excessively high standards for oneself can contribute to self-doubt, as individuals may constantly feel like they're falling short of their own expectations.

Lack of positive reinforcement: A lack of encouragement or positive feedback from others can contribute to self-doubt. Without affirmation or validation, individuals may struggle to believe in their own abilities.

Perfectionism: Perfectionism involves striving for flawlessness and setting unrealistically high standards. Constantly striving for perfection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, as it's impossible to meet such high standards consistently.

Negative self-talk: Internalizing negative thoughts and engaging in self-criticism can undermine self-confidence and contribute to self-doubt. Continuously berating oneself reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-belief.

Trauma or abuse: Experiencing trauma or abuse can significantly impact self-esteem and confidence, leading to self-doubt as individuals struggle to trust themselves or their perceptions of reality.

Fear of failure: The fear of failing or making mistakes can paralyze individuals, leading them to doubt their abilities and avoid taking risks or pursuing their goals.

Unsupportive environment: Being surrounded by people who are unsupportive or critical can foster self-doubt. Negative influences from friends, family, or colleagues can undermine confidence and self-belief.

Overall, self-doubt is a complex phenomenon influenced by a combination of internal and external factors. 

So how can we address self-doubt and challenge negative beliefs and cultivate self-confidence?
So how can we address self-doubt and challenge negative beliefs and cultivate self confidence?Working on self-doubt involves developing self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and building self-confidence. Here are some strategies to address self-doubt:

• Identify the root cause: Understand what triggers your self-doubt. It could stem from past experiences, fear of failure, perfectionism, or comparing yourself to others.
• Challenge negative thoughts: When self-doubt creeps in, question the validity of your negative thoughts. Ask yourself if there's evidence to support them or if they're just assumptions. Try reframing negative thoughts into more positive and realistic ones.
• Set realistic goals: Break down your goals into smaller, achievable steps. Celebrate your progress along the way, which can boost your confidence and diminish self-doubt. 
• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when facing setbacks or making mistakes. Acknowledge that everyone experiences doubts and failures at times, and it's a natural part of growth.
• Focus on strengths and past successes: Remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths. Reflect on past challenges you've overcome and how you've grown from them.
• Seek support: Surround yourself with people who believe in you and offer encouragement. Share your feelings of self-doubt with trusted friends, family members, or mentors who can provide perspective and support.
• Develop coping strategies: Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or meditation to manage stress and anxiety associated with self-doubt.
• Seek professional help if needed: If self-doubt significantly impacts your daily life or mental well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor who can help you explore underlying issues and develop coping strategies.
  ​
  

Remember, overcoming self-doubt is a gradual process that requires patience and perseverance. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate your progress along the way.

Clients come to therapy with various unresolved emotions, experiences and secret thoughts. The expectation of them sharing all this with a stranger; the therapist might cause anxiety and overwhelm. Based on research and clinical observation, it has been concluded that initial sessions can be way more uncomfortable than future ones. It gets better once this alliance is established and cultivated.

In this blog I discuss how to work on this alliance, cultivate it and assess its health. As therapists manage to work on building this alliance with their clients, they still intend to support them in their pursuit of goals, hold them accountable and provide them with the solid confident anchoring they are looking for.

Successful therapy depends on a client’s readiness, honesty sharing their experiences and behavior and trust in their therapist. Yet many clients have spent a lifetime avoiding or concealing thoughts, feelings, and behaviour due to suppressed shame, lack of awareness, and perceived incompetence. They might have never had a secure attachment with another human being who they can trust and rely on. It is essential to highlight the importance of giving the client the time and space they need. It takes time for a therapist to earn a client’s trust, and build a level of connection, collaboration and attunement. Therapists should not expect that all clients will immediately open up and resonate with them.

I find it helpful to be present and mindful with no judgment or perceived plan.  A new client requires to build a positive working alliance with their therapist; however, it is also important to acknowledge that we need to attune to their unspoken goals, fears and anxieties.

As therapists, we have our clients’ best interest as our main focus. The ethical obligation that our profession is founded on is to be present with no judgment, personal agenda or hidden expectations. The pursuit of change in the client might in some cases be faced by a level of unconscious resistance. That said, this resistance might happen for a variety of reasons unrelated to the therapist; fear, shame, worry, and/or inaccessible resources. With this in mind, we need to acknowledge that therapy is not only the relationship or even the technique. It is way more. It entails the trust and resonance between the client and the therapist that depicts both walking on this path of wellness.
​
Finally, we need to remind ourselves that therapists are human beings with their own emotional baggage, just like their clients. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, rejected or judged by a client who does not talk or participate. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves between and during sessions, talk to another therapist or a supervisor, seek more training and/or therapy. This can help us identify these thoughts and emotions and work on resolving them in order to protect our clients from unconscious biases. Our responsibility and ethical obligations entail that we seek ongoing training, self care and refer clients when we identify that we are not a good fit.

Self awareness is defined as the skill of understanding our own behaviours, perceptions, emotions, and yearnings. Cultivating this critical skill enhances our self compassion, trustworthiness, and overall effectiveness. It also improves our relationships, empathy, and commitment.

Surprisingly, research confers that self awareness is a rare quality among the general population. Based on research, only 10%–15% of the people studied fit the criteria. The good news is that we can cultivate such skills by following simple techniques shared below.
​
But first let’s delve deeper into some interesting findings about self awareness in order to better understand it. There are two types of self awareness: internal and external.

​Internal self awareness is based on positive introspection of self. “Positive” refers to compassionate, inquisitive introspection divorced from judgement and debilitating criticism.  Try to follow an internal locus of control to cultivate higher level of self awareness through understanding your own emotions and perceptions. That said, this requires a level of objectivity that might be hindered by unconscious thoughts, unresolved emotions, and motives. For this purpose, it is always helpful to seek the support of a trusted other or trained professional to bypass these blockages of the unconscious mind to avoid unnecessary analysis might lead to rumination, negative thoughts, and low self esteem.

​The other type of self awareness is external. It means taking an external locus of control to understand how other people perceive us, in terms of behavioural patterns, emotions, dreams and aspirations. People who know how others see them are more skilled at practicing empathy and taking others’ perspectives. They tend to have better relationships and more satisfaction with their life. Similarly, they tend to be more truthful, objective, and honest. You may also benefit from consulting a friend and seeking feedback from a trusted other such as a friend or a professional to provide you with honest perspectives.

Ideally, we need to cultivate a balanced combination of both types; to be able to identify our own values, aspirations and behaviour (internal self awareness). Equally important is to practice a level of humility and compassion to request feedback on how others view us (external self awareness). This balance would eventually enhance self esteem, and decrease anxiety and depression.

The problem is that the human mind rarely operates in a wise manner that ideally combines rational and emotional perspective. Hence, our judgments are seldom free from bias. We tend to confirm our biases without questioning their validity or value. We fall prey to our own contradictory evidence, and we force our thoughts to conform to our initial explanations. Why do we require external feedback? Because lack of balanced feedback leads to toxic overconfidence, overestimating our skills and abilities, and eventually disappointment and resentment with self and others.

In summary, if you are thinking of improving your self awareness and overall happiness, you need to seek a balanced perspective of internal and external self awareness.

Take a minute to ask yourself the questions below. Work on answering them in writing. Ask a trusted loving other who has your best interest to answer the same questions about you separately and objectively (also in writing). Once they are done, request that they share their feedback with you candidly. 

• Am I aware of my own values, perceptions, priorities, dreams and aspirations?
• Do I know what I want of life (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially)?
• Can I identify what feels the most rewarding to me?
• What activities give me the most joy?
• Can I predict how I will behave in a given situation.
• What are my professional and personal goals?
• Can I figure out what I did wrong when things do not go as planned?
• Can I give an objective assessment of how I’m performing?
• Am I aware of the impact my actions have on those around me?
• Do I examine how people respond to me?
• Am I aware of how I am perceived by others?

As you work on these questions, remind yourself to practice open mindedness, compassion to self and empathy to others. This exercise is meant to enhance your self awareness.

Vancouver, BC - March 5, 2024 - Jade Counselling & Wellness is proud to announce that it has been recognized as one of the top 5 counselling and psychotherapy practices in Vancouver by The Best Vancouver. This recognition underscores Jade Counselling & Wellness's commitment to providing exceptional mental health services to the community.
The award-winning practice offers a range of counselling and psychotherapy services to individuals, couples, and families. With a team of highly skilled and compassionate therapists, Jade Counselling & Wellness is dedicated to helping clients navigate life's challenges and achieve personal growth and well-being.
"We are thrilled to be named one of the top 5 counselling and psychotherapy practices in Vancouver," said Ola Abugharbiyeh, MA, MACP, RCC, Founder and Clinical Director of Jade Counselling & Wellness. "This recognition is a testament to the hard work and dedication of our team, who are committed to providing the highest quality mental health care to our clients."
About Jade Counselling & Wellness:
Jade Counselling & Wellness is a leading counselling and psychotherapy practice in Vancouver, BC. With a team of experienced therapists, Jade Counselling & Wellness offers a range of mental health services to individuals, couples, and families. The practice is committed to providing compassionate and effective care to help clients achieve personal growth and well-being. Visit www.jadecounselling.ca for more information.

In my practice as a trauma and relationships therapist, I am often asked about the connection between healing and forgiveness. I believe that the origin of such confusion comes from convoluted understanding of the relationship between an entity that inflicts harm over a recipient of it. To claim that healing would never happen unless forgiveness precedes sounds like a free pass oppression. It also indirectly burdens the survivor with the duty of forgiving in order to feel better.

​Then how do we perceive forgiveness. In psychology forgiveness is usually defined as an intentional decision to release emotions of resentment toward someone who had caused us harm, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. I definitely agree with the above definition. However, I do not perceive forgiveness as a conditional prerequisite towards healing from trauma. It is actually the other way round!  In order to heal from trauma, injustice or any form of oppression, you need to identify, acknowledge and process the act. 

The pain and hurt are entities that cannot be dismissed or brushed under the carpet.  They should never be denied or suppressed. Similarly, the impact of an offense against you is not something to undermine or find excuses or justifications for. On the contrary, acknowledging such unfairness inflicted on you, restores your sense of internal strength, and provides you with a foundation to reclaim your power.

The trick here is to draw a line between the past and the present. Harm did happen indeed (in the past). The hurt and the pain are still happening in the present. When things happened to a past version of you in the past, it was not the same present self. We develop and transform with every interaction. We gather information, experience emotions and act in certain ways based on the present moment, then up spiral with that to a higher level of awareness and consciousness. The present self starts to reclaim a sense of change that begins with an intention to be in charge, acknowledges the past then moves ahead based on a value system that acknowledges self worth, justice, freedom and choice.

Now is the time to draw a line between your past and present. Make a conscious decision of moving forward towards healing because you deserve it.  Conscious forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves for unintentionally being on the recipient end of harm. By the same token, it is a step forward from rumination and despair towards validation and hope.
​
Though forgiveness can help repair ruptured relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with someone who harmed you. Moreover, it never means to release them from being held accountable. Once you process the pain, you are responsible towards yourself to make a decision of letting go of pain and allowing room for the light of inner peace to flourish within to transform and progress with confidence and pride - only then can you really forgive!

It is one of the greatest therapy goals to identify and acknowledge our deep seated emotions such as anger, fear and sadness connect with them and heal them for good. This is what we call the  process of healing the wounded inner parts of ourselves. Whether such wounds were caused by an incomprehensible childhood loss such as a family member’s death, physical or psychological abuse, or a broken relationship; the pain that results from such experiences lives with us for the rest of our lives until we decide to let go of it, heal it and integrate such experiences in the here and now. We do so through reconnecting with some of the reasons for our fears, unexplained repetitive patterns, and addictions. The magic of healing leads to channeling and transforming the wounded self and eventually integrating them with other parts. In this process, we learn to reparent such parts and move forward with independence and resiliency.

Many of my clients inquire about and express interest in ending unhealthy coping habits such as binge eating, shopping, or repetitive insure attachments. I often explain this work of healing the inner child pointing out to the sad fact of learned helplessness, as well as internalized suppression of emotions, and negative self beliefs. When negative experiences and losses such as divorce, death, relocation …etc. are not discussed with children openly, children are left to create their own narrative about such experiences.

I have been asked this question recently by new clients. I thought that writing this blog about it would prepare potential clients and provide some orientation. Emotionally focused therapy EFT is an intervention based on empirical research of adult bonding. This modality is utilized in individual, couples and family therapy with the purpose to identify and address distress in relationships. EFT is a beneficial approach that helps to understand one’s emotional responses and those of significant people in our lives.

In therapy, our goal is to enhance the perceived security and connection in relationships through focusing on emotions and emotional responses and those of partners and family members. This can help to address attachment-related insecurities and how to interact in more loving, responsive, and emotionally connected ways, that lead to more secure attachment. 

EFT is based on attachment theory which highlights the importance of  
emotional contact and safe connections to develop healthy relationships. Lack of which can go back to abandonment, neglect, and trauma during childhood. Such unresolved issues and unmet need might lead to repetitive negative patterns of conflict caused by insecure attachment and lack of trust. EFT is a non-directive approach to treatment in which clients gain better understanding through nonjudgmental expression and attentive presence and validation. 

​EFT involves nine treatment steps that begin with the identification and assessment of interaction styles and de-escalation. In the middle phases of treatment, the therapist collaborates with the clients to find ways to form stronger bonds in the relationship. The therapist reframes key issues in terms of negative patterns of interaction, underlying emotions and fears, and each client’s attachment needs. Changes are consolidated in the final stages which eventually helps clients become better able to identify the attachment issues underlying conflict to express related emotions. The therapy is considered complete when clients can reliably engage in changed interaction patterns learned in therapy outside of the therapy environment.